


Fateful seconds

by Meriani



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, SnK 105 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 21:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14777720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meriani/pseuds/Meriani
Summary: That event from chapter 105 from various points of view, and a bit afterwards. Basically, this is just me trying to process the chapter.





	1. Those fateful seconds

**Author's Note:**

> Just an emotion spill, really. Me trying to sort my thoughts. Found that in a draft and hadn’t had time to post it earlier. For this, I basically took the manga and wrote the event from Sasha, Connie, Jean, Mikasa and Armin's point of view, and then added a few things for afterwards. I originally planned on adding Eren's POV, as well as Hange and Levi buuuut... I can't even begin to put myself into Eren's mind right now so that wasn't possible and somehow, I still can't write Hange or Levi so ...  
> I apologize for any mistake I might have made.

A few seconds of attention focused elsewhere, a few smiles. That’s all it took.

 

The gunshot ripped through the soldiers’ acclamation and the overly loud engine of the airship, but she still heard it pretty well.

Almost at the same instant, Sasha felt an unbearable stab of pain in her right side.

_What…?_

The push, coupled with the pain, made her stagger slightly and then fall backwards. Air got knocked out of her lunges, which, combined with the aching that coursed through her, sent black and white dots of light dancing in front of her eyes.

For a time, the sounds around her blurred into a mush of cries, fight sounds, gunshots, and someone screaming her name.

_I’ve been…shot…?_

Her mind was hazy and kept on getting worse as seconds ticked by. She could hardly focus on any of her own thoughts.

How could this…?

“Sasha!”

Vaguely familiar, the voice managed to get through her confused brain and form intelligible words. Another cry of her name, sounding even more desperate. Why was it so hard to pay attention? A gentle hand on her face, and more words.

“Stay with us!”

_… Connie?_

She had trouble breathing. Pain. The piecing pain in her side. She couldn’t quite focus her eyes. They felt so heavy.

“C’mon!”

Why the hell were they screaming so loudly?

_Just…stop._

“You’re so loud.” The words escaped her. Hungry. She was hungry. How nice would it be to have something hot to eat? “Is our food ready yet?”

Talking wasn’t supposed to be that hard, was it?

More indistinct cries. Someone shouting in an urgent voice nearby and another voice – who did it belong to, again? She felt as if she should know– And something about holding on.

And the pain, always the pain. It was getting worse. Coldness crept within her. She was still hungry. Something hot. What would there be for dinner? It would be so nice if there was some…

“…meat…”

Sasha coughed a bit and felt something drip on the side of her mouth. She could still feel presences around her. Loud but…desperate? Caring.

Friends.

Could she sleep? Until food time?

It was getting so hard to even think.

The others. They’d take care of the rest.

Pain….

Her vision had darkened. But she still somehow knew caring presences were nearby.

Sounds kept on getting dimmer and dimmer.

So cold...

 

She faded into darkness.

* * *

 

A few seconds of relief, thinking they had all gotten out of it alive. That’s all it took.

 

The gunshot that suddenly sounded through the loud, closed space of the airship, he didn’t expect it. Nor did anyone else.

Connie turned around in shock and incomprehension as, right beside him, Sasha collapsed on the floor, a flower of blood darkening the black fabric of her uniform. Horror struck him and, for a second, he couldn’t do anything but watch her fall, feeling his face distort with the emotion.

_…What…!?_

“Sasha!” The shout escaped his lips, full of horror and disbelief.

He finally recovered from the shock and went straight for his friend, dimly aware of Jean shooting at the intruder and the other soldiers joining in the fight.

Connie knelt down beside Sasha as Jean showed up again, screaming her name.

Dismay and disbelief were warring within him. This _couldn’t_ be happening. Not now, when they should have been safe. And certainly not to Sasha. Their Sasha. _His_ Sasha.

Fear and worry joined in in the split second it took him to see how bad the wound was. Gently touching her face, which was almost frozen in what looked like a mix of surprise and pain, he called to her again, desperately trying to keep the young woman’s awareness by them:

“Stay with us!”

Sasha’s eyelids were low, her eyes having a dreadful faraway look to them.

_No. Stay here. Don’t go!_

“C’mon!” he yelled, panic rising in him. He cast a frightened glance at Jean beside him, who was staring speechlessly at their friend with a despaired look on his face.

“You’re so loud.” Sasha suddenly interjected. A pause. “Is our food ready yet?”

Connie felt his eyes widen as Jean shouted at someone to bring something to stop the blood. He fought back the tears that threatened to come.

“Sasha! Just hold on until we get to the island!”

_Stay awake!_

_Don’t even think of going anywhere!_

Sasha’s eyes did not seem to be focused anymore, staring into emptiness. Connie saw her lips move and a word, barely audible in the noise, got out:

“…meat.”

He stared at her, dumbstruck. She seemed to pass out as Anja and someone else quickly went to bandaging her wound.

_Don’t go… Please, stay with me._

His mind was practically blank. This could not be happening. Not here. Not like that.

Somewhere to his side, he heard someone – probably Floch – angrily yell they’d throw the kids out of the airship. For a second, Connie wished that he would.

And then, Jean’s voice answering something reasonable that Connie knew to be true, followed by a loud thump as his friend punched the wall out of frustration.

Connie didn’t really know what to think – or feel, for that matter – anymore. He took Sasha’s hand in his.

_Hold on._

_Please._

* * *

 

A few seconds of letting tension go and awareness slack, thinking they were safe. That’s all it took.

 

Before Jean could register that the blurry form who’d suddenly rolled into the airship was an enemy, the sound of a gunshot had already pierced through the cramped space and the other soldiers’ cheering, effectively silencing them.

Jean felt horror wash over him, mingled with incomprehension.

_…?_

“Sasha!”

Only when the young girl that the shooter turned out to be was reloading her riffle did Jean finally manage to react. Jaws set and feeling anger starting to waft up in him, he aimed at her and shot back with all the determination he could ever have while aiming to kill someone.

Almost at the same time, someone else jumped in and pushed the girl out of harm’s way. Jean felt the riffle’s second shot miss his head narrowly as the bullet hissed past him and struck the wall right behind.

Floch and the others closed in on the two children. Leaving the matter to them for now, Jean turned around and ran to Sasha, with Connie already kneeling at her side. He could see a reflection of his own dread on his friend’s face as he kept on calling for Sasha to stay awake, panic creeping up in his voice. Jean stared at the young woman and felt his heart sink a little more in his chest.

_Shit._

The injury was bad. So bad. Was there even a way…?

“You’re so loud.”

Jean froze in speechless dismay as Sasha blurted out the words. “Is food ready?”

It was both very frightening and so like her. Jean swallowed with difficulty, then turned around and shouted for someone to get something to staunch the blood while Connie told her in a cracked voice to hold on until they’d gotten back to Paradis.

Somewhere within him, a small, practical voice told Jean there was little chance they could save her. That it was already too late, given the damn good the aim of the shot had been. But for the time, he choose to ignore that voice and pushed it as far as possible to the back of his mind.

_Hold on!_

Anja and another soldier quickly showed up with some bandages as Sasha mumbled on:

“…meat.”

_Oh my… Sasha…_

All the anger, and the grief that had been raging inside of him without him allowing it to show suddenly became unbearable. He turned his back on the scene, head in hands, trying to control himself.

Not now. Not. Now.

_Shit! When will it end? Why did it have to happen?! Why now!?_

Floch’s voice coming from nearby made him come back to the present and pay attention to his surroundings.

“…got inside using Lobov’s equipment. I’ll toss them out. No objections, right?”

These words sent a shiver of a whole new kind of despair up Jean’s spine. He slammed his fists into the wall. Why did Floch need to be so fucking blind?!

“Is throwing some _kids_ out of an airship going to stop all this bloodshed?!”

Of course it wouldn’t. How could it?

Floch’s words angered him even more. With people thinking and behaving like that, how could things ever have a chance to change? He stifled his anger. Not the time for it. Something had to be done with this situation or it would escalate until it would be unmanageable. The other soldiers where already angry enough. He punched the wall again.

_Damn it! Will there ever be an end to all of this?!_

_Sasha…_

* * *

 

A few seconds, while she wasn’t there for her friends. That’s all it took.

 

The atmosphere in the room was heavy, full of simmering anger and unsaid words. Zeke, Yelena and Eren were sitting in one corner. Mikasa, as well as Armin and Levi, were standing on the opposite side.

A few minutes ago, Mikasa had thought she’d heard a sudden rush of shouts and activity from somewhere else on the airship. Probably the last remaining soldiers that had arrived and were cheering victory or something.

Now, some more incomprehensible shouts were coming from right outside the room, making Levi go with a grumpy “Are they still screaming out there?”

The door then swung open, letting a very angry-looking Jean in, pushing two children – a young boy and a wild-looking girl – in front of him.

Something was obviously wrong. Mikasa felt a twinge of worry go through her heart. Both kids wore an armband with a star.

_Eldians? What are they doing here?_

The youngsters’ expressions screamed disbelief and shock when they saw Zeke.

“Who are these brats?” Levi asked, cutting through what they were saying.

Jean’s expression was slowly changing into sadness and some faint trace of anger. Mikasa felt worry go up a notch within her.

He looked almost… _resigned?_

“They killed Lobov and used his equipment to board the ship. And then…” A pause, as if he dreaded to continue. “This girl shot Sasha.” Another pause. “I don’t think there’s any hope for her…”

Mikasa felt her mind go blank for a second.

_She…what?!_

_No!_

That wasn’t possible. She had misunderstood somehow. This tiny child? Had shot…?

_Sasha!_

Mikasa instinctively ran to the door.

_No way!_

She could feel Armin had joined her and was close behind. The door slammed shut after them as they both raced along the airship.

When they finally found their friend, Connie was sitting close to her with tears in his eyes.

No, no, no. That wasn’t possible.

Mikasa dropped to her knees beside the young woman.

_Not again._

“Sasha!”

Her friend’s eyes were closed and blood had trickled on the side of her mouth. Mikasa felt grief, mingled with denial, wash over her. A memory of Sasha showing off her shooting skills flashed through her mind.

Mikasa grabbed her friend’s shoulders, desperately trying to get her to open her eyes, tears running down her face.

“Sasha! Stay here! Sasha!”

_Wake up. Please!_

She couldn’t die. Not like that. She just couldn’t.

 

 

At one point, somewhere, someone said:

“It’s over.”

The two words managed to get through her tears and blurry thoughts. She could see they were right.

_No…_

She stayed here, staring without really seeing, full of hopelessness and grief. Why was it happening again? Why was fate, so intent on taking away her friends, her family? Wasn’t it enough? What was even the point if she couldn’t do anything against it?

Mikasa staggered a few steps out of the way and sat against the first wall she found. There, still unable to truly focus on anything she was seeing, she wept. For Sasha. And against this cruel, mad world that made such things happen.

* * *

 

 A few seconds, elsewhere and unaware. That’s all it took.

 

Armin was trying not to show how tired he currently felt by focusing on what was happening inside the room as Levi spoke to Yelena.

Sudden shouts coming from outside interrupted his sombre thoughts. He couldn’t quite make out the words, but one of the voices sounded like Jean and another was most probably Floch’s. There was a third, more high-pitched one but he couldn’t place it.

The door was then pushed open rather energetically. Turning completely around, Armin was surprised to see Jean enter, pushing two children in front of him.

He felt dread uncurl within him. Something was off. Jean seemed irritated. The two kids looked like they’d been through a beating. And they both were wearing Eldian armbands. What the hell were they doing here? What had happened?

_Wait … Yellow armbands? Not white? Does…_

“Who are these brats?” Levi’s question interrupted his thoughts.

Jean kept his hands on the children’s shoulders, and answered, still looking a bit angry but mostly sad:

“They killed Lobov and used his gear to board the ship. And this girl... shot Sasha.”

_Huh ?!_

“…I don’t think there’s any hope for her.”

Armin felt his throat go dry and his eyes widen in shock. He heard Mikasa gasp. _No_.

The next second, he was trailing Mikasa’s footsteps as she went straight for the door. He had to know. He had to see. There must be a mistake.

 _Yeah, sure. Jean’s probably kidding_ , said the small, ironical voice in his mind. He paid no attention to it.

When they finally reached Sasha, Armin felt his heart drop like a stone in his stomach. He took in the blood, Connie crying, Sasha’s stillness and the grim look everyone around wore. Hopelessness raised within him as he joined Mikasa near their friend. Through the tears that had started to run from his eyes, he was dimly aware of her trying to shake Sasha up. He knew it wasn’t going to work, that Jean was right that there wasn’t much hope for her, but he still found himself crying his friend’s name.

“It’s over.”

He felt himself break down into ugly sobbing, vaguely aware at least two other people were doing the same. This was just… too much for one day.

Someone made him sit beside Mikasa. She was crying too. Armin found her arm, and gripped it, trying to find the comfort her presence usually gave him as he cried his eyes out. But this time, none of them was in any state of comforting anyone.

* * *

 

“Sasha’s…dead.”

Jean had known it was likely. But he still felt his heart go unbearably heavy in his chest and the beginning of tears start to burn his eyes. He fought them back. Later. He’d cry later.

He heard Eren ask Connie, who still was in the doorway, crying, what Sasha’s last words had been. Upon hearing the answer, Eren let out a nervous, maniacal laugh. Jean stared at him in disbelief. How could he…? He clenched his teeth, swallowing his sudden urge to shake Eren to knock some of the sense he seemed to have lost back into him.

“Eren, Sasha died because you got the Survey Corps in this, you know.”

He knew it wasn’t exactly right. Eren had dragged them into this mess. But he hadn’t shot the bullet. It was the consequence of a chain of events of which Eren’s actions were only the beginning. But he couldn’t help it.

Besides, Eren’s reaction looked more like some kind of mental snapping than anything else.

 

 

After some time, Jean left the two children to Levi and Hange, and Eren to his conscience. He needed to get out of this room for a while. He needed some time to process. Closing the door, he leaned on it a few seconds, squeezing his eyes shut. Some tears still almost managed to escape, and he rubbed them away hastily. Not here. Later, when he would have some time alone, he could cry. But not now. He needed to look after his friends first.

He found them in a deserted corner of the airship. Mikasa was leaning against the wall, knees drawn up to her, face set in a mask of sadness. Connie sat nearby, looking utterly lost and inconsolable, eyes staring into emptiness. Armin was kneeling beside him with a hand on his shoulder, appearing to be trying to offer what little comfort he could. Jean saw that his eyes were still glassy and his cheeks covered in dried tears.

The young man felt his heart squeeze at the look of them as Mikasa and Armin lifted their heads when he came toward them. Connie didn’t even react. He crouched in front of him, as Armin shifted away a bit to leave him some space. Jean hesitated for only half a second before engulfing Connie in a hug. He heard him start to cry again and this time, he couldn’t help it either and, no matter how much he fought them back, the tears kept on running silently on his face.

_Fuck. Sasha, why…_

Jean felt a gentle hand settle on his back. He shifted his gaze: Armin was sitting next to him, tears in the corner of his eyes.

No one said anything, but Jean was grateful they were here.

 

 

At some point, Jean had to leave the others for a time. He was Commanding Officer, he still had duties and things to do, even if he wished he could just sit there and do nothing. And, after all, maybe it was better to keep his mind occupied…

When he came back, neither of them seemed to have moved much. Mikasa and Armin were heavily leaning on each other, lost in their thoughts, and Connie was still sitting were he had left him, his head resting on his knees.

The rest of the journey back to the Island went by slowly, in a kind of detached, slightly hazy state of mind. Jean knew they should have used this opportunity to rest while they could, because it certainly wasn’t going to happen after they’d arrived, but no one did. No one was able to.

* * *

 

… A man going off on his own and starting a string of tragic events …

… A young woman with a kind heart sparing a harmless-looking girl…

… That girl swearing revenge and running to an airship with a riffle in her hands….

… That hook of the manoeuvring gear that stayed stuck in place on the airship instead of breaking loose…

… Those soldiers, too confident in their safety, that didn’t pay enough attention to their surroundings…

 

A few fateful seconds, led to by a chain of events. Some improbable. Some less. That’s all it had taken.

Just a few seconds.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, just so you know, Anja is the name I gave to “Trost-girl” in my mind ~~before she betrayed me by cheering to Floch’s words.~~
> 
> There's also some kind of "2nd chapter" but it's not really one. It's just something I wanted to add but felt the need to separate from the rest...
> 
> Thanks for reading !


	2. People, not a place...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after they came back to Paradis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't even a real "chapter" but I felt the need to add that and, for some reason, thought it was better to separate it from the rest.
> 
> Chapter title is somewhat inspired by the quote " Home is people. Not a place. If you go back there after the people are gone, then all you can see is what is not there anymore." from Robin Hobb's _Fool's Fate_. Dunno, I thought it suited what I wanted to show quite well...

Absences always haunt more than actual presences…

Connie was going around as if half his soul was missing. Meals were an ordeal, with that empty chair no one even dared to approach or look at. Happy chatter and enthusiastic talk about food were dearly missed. An empty bunk in a once shared room became an unbearable sight. Sentences started, and then trailed off, directed at someone who couldn’t answer. Memories of light-hearted banter echoed in the silence, seeming so far away. Tears ran, sometimes, in the quiet of the night. Work became a way to escape all that wasn’t there anymore. And the sound of that gunshot haunted their dreams.

 


End file.
